The First Day To Finding Me

Creativity takes courage

Quote from Henri Matisse

I’m thinking it must be fate. Yes, I believe in that sort of thing. I’d just decided that I NEEDED a release…. Creatively. In some form. I’ve been teaching myself to crochet. After trying for many years, I finally got it. I am also now trying my hand at needle felting, art journaling, softie making, and a few other things.

As I stabbed my felt repeatedly the other day, I began to wonder, “What has gotten into me?”  I’ve been wanting to get in touch with my creative side for more years than I care to count. Never in my wildest dreams, though, would I have wanted to try EVERYTHING at once!! Am I crazy? Quite possibly. Am I bored? NO!! What is it then? I simply don’t reply know.

I decided that I wanted to log this transition in time. I can’t be the only one to ever go through something like this. So, yesterday I decided there was no better way for me to document what I’m going through, thinking, trying my hand at than a blog. Here’s where fate comes into play. I stared pretty hard at the screen trying to figure out just how to introduce myself to the blogger’s world. Coming up short, I began to wander through the creative minds of others just hoping for inspiration and that’s when I found it! Just what I was looking for!

Krista at the had a blog titled Two New, Free Ebooks: Writing 101 and 201.  I IMMEDIATELY downloaded everything she offered links to, which included 365 Writing Prompts, Photography 101, and Grow Your Traffic, Build Your Blog. What better way to start a new blog than with this fantastic information?! This was fate! I know it!

So, here it is. The first day of Writing 101: Build a Blog Habit.

Day 1: “Today, take 20 minutes to free write. Just write”

I need this. I need a way to release myself. I’m confused, used, and left wanting. Is that healthy? Hell, no! I’m not stupid. I went to college. Not that that really matters at ALL! Not these days. But, I proved to everyone I could. I didn’t do so hot my first time around. But, hell, who would if they didn’t want to go in the first place. But, that second time, when no one saw the point, my first child was almost one, I ROCKED IT! Only got one “B” and the rest were all “A”s. I was so proud of myself. Not that you could tell by looking at me now. Is that my fault? 100% YES!!!

I’m an ex-drug addict. I just turned 4 years sober and I finally feel like a grown up at 36 years old. That was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my entire life. Especially since my husband was working on his sobriety at the same time. I AM proud I made it to the other side of that deep, dark oblivion. Am I at my best right now? Definitely not! Is that ok? Yes, as long as I’m trying to better myself and not revert back to old habits.

I was so jealous of my husband at that point in time. he went from being so self consumed (even our marriage counseling was spent talking about him, his issues, and how he was ALWAYS right and I was ALWAYS wrong). DEAR LORD!! It was hard to say the very least. Then, all of a sudden, he woke one day BORN AGAIN AND ON TOP OF THE WORLD!!! Are you kidding me??? Not me, I’d been a horrible mom, high and dumb, for most of my kids’ lives, who were 7 and 3, and here I was slapped in the face daily with all I’d done and having to be honest about it with myself and others. Me!! The stay-at-home mom who volunteered for EVERYTHING! I was consumed with trying to be super mom and boy was I slacking in that! I was head of membership for the PTA at my son’s school and secretary for the county PTA. I’d just finished coaching my son’s soccer team not knowing one damn thing about soccer until that point. Daughter was in dance classes two nights a week.  I’d just committed to at least 1 year as cub scout leader for my son’s troop. ARE YOU KIDDING ME??

How I found time for a drug habit,  I’ll never know. But, how I expected to do without the opiates all day and remain who I wanted and needed to be (of course, I wanted to be more than I needed) is a question to myself also.

But, I made it!! THANK GOODNESS!! This is the first year I’ve brought something extra onto myself since then. In all my disappointment in our public school system, I decided to home school my daughter. It’s truly what’s best for her. I don’t repeatedly commit my schedule to any extra stuff beyond that. Sure, every Tuesday and Thursday my son’s best friend comes home with us while his mom’s at work. But, two hours later tops, she’s picking him up and that’s the end. So, what’s the true commitment there? Not much! They don’t need me to hover, nor do they want me to. They’re in the 6th grade, their boys, they need “preteen” boy time playing video games before homework (oh, no, say it isn’t so) and talking about the new found interest in girls. However small that might be. I think they are more interested in the fact that the girls are interested. My son tells me pretty much everything (I was a kid once, I know he has some things not cool for mom) and he loves telling me “It’s complicated” when the subject of girls comes up. The “complication” is that they are interested and he is not.  I questioned my ability to home school my daughter at first. Alone. Quietly to myself, so no one else would know. But, SO much more good has come out of this than I EVER expected.  Yes, it’s more time consuming (MUCH MORE TIME CONSUMING) than I ever anticipated.  However, my relationship with those two lives my husband and I co-created is better than they’ve been since rehab began.

Is that growing and maturing? Hell, yeah it is!! It makes me so happy. I didn’t know if I’d EVER have a decent relationship with my son again no matter how I tried. But, he hugs me now… again… after all these years at almost 12 years old. That feels… Unexplainable.  I didn’t realize how much I missed it. But, boy did I ever!  I’m able to give my 7 year old daughter all the attention she needs during the day while my son’s at school.  He would not do well home-schooling, my little social butterfly.  When my son gets home, I can concentrate on his silly stories, hear all the middle school drama’s going on these days (no, you don’t want to know), and he WANTS to tell me things.

Of course, with all this greatness, there’s bound to be an issue.  Yep, you guessed it. The husband/wife relationship isn’t so great.

Well, there it is. What I completed of the writing prompt.  Thank you, Krista, for coming just when I needed you. It gave me the perfect way to begin this journey to finding me.

– One Rockin’ Woman


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